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June 10, 2012

A Fresh New Look at the Future

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I'd seen the signs. There were occasions when for no apparent reason he wasn't available for an important event. Totally standing me up. On still other occasions I could not get him to participate at all.

Other times we'd plan an activity filled day and although he was there physically he was totally out of focus, unable to concentrate on any one thing. The disappointment was so great that I'd wonder why I brought him at all. Yet there I was, lugging him around like arm candy.

He was ruggedly handsome, well-built and had quite the reputation. And while others seemed to admire him and offer plentiful compliments I knew the truth about our relationship and his many flaws. We were completely out of sync.

He was frequently untrustworthy and gave me the silent treatment more than I care to admit. When he did communicate I couldn''t understand his messages. They left me more confused looking for answers I could never find. Was his behavior my fault or his? I was never certain. Yes, I was prone to pushing his buttons in an attempt to elicit a response - any response - but wasn't that what all girls did?

Because of our storied past I continued to offer opportunities to make it right. When asked where he was, I defended him. "He just needs some time to recharge" I would offer. Or I would vaguely explain that he was in some kind of jam - blah, blah, blah. Pathetic excuses. My closest circle knew something was up. I'd confide in them that we had issues and I was ready to move on.

I wanted to blame myself. Was I the one who was unschooled in his ways? Often at night I'd read up on his kind. Surely we could work this out with enough effort. Once we even sought professional help, but I'd always felt that was money and time wasted. I should have cut my losses and moved on a few years ago. But my loyalty to him remained.

All I wanted was another shot. Another opportunity to make fresh memories together.

But it was difficult to terminate what had been seven (or was is eight?) memorable years together. We traveled far and wide, taking trips too numerous to count. Times too special to forget. I remember his firm grip as we walked down the Via del Corso absorbing candid moments of authentic Italian life all around us. Our time in colorful and lively Greece. And so many fabulous days in Spain taking in the rich culture and jawdropping architecture.

And what about our time in Venice? Special moments on the Rialto gazing as far as the eye could see. I clung to him as we took in the vistas and the scenes all around us. Together floating down the Grand Canal, mysterious alleys and various buildings on antiquity. Gazing deeply at him, hoping to freeze those moments in time forever.

As I reflected back on my time with Rebel (I should have known all along by his name, right?) I admitted that we'd experienced such great failures that it would be impossible to repair our relationship. It no longer mattered whose fault it was. The fact remained that it was over. Time had marched on and I was clinging to a memory of our once good times. It was time I moved on.

And then I met him. Nikon. Everything about him was different. His touch. His build. The way he sounded. His quick response when I touched him. In those first few flickering moments I felt like a traitor, turning my back on the past. Nikon was exotic. Maybe even taboo. I didn't know much about his background or his origins, but I knew right away that we had a bright future together. A thrilling adventure was just ahead, awaiting us.

And so, Rebel, I say goodbye. I learned so much from our time together. It prepared me for my new relationship and even made me a more sensitive partner. A more informed partner and one willing to continue learning along the way. I should have been more clear from the beginning about my needs. You were holding me back, only allowing me to see the world through your blurred view that wasn't always accurate.

As I stare at this photo of you - the only photographic existence of you - I can't help but wonder where Nikon and I will go together. Will our adventures, and by extension the photos we take of those experiences, be recalled as vividly as ours? I like to think so. He has already demonstrated a greater capacity for being in tune with my needs. Beneath his smooth exterior is a patient and willing participant. A partner who can grow with me. One willing to go in any direction I take choose, packing only a small bag of supplies to ready himself for the trip. He understands my changing needs and has promised to exceed all of my expectations.

Farewell old friend. I'll hand you your cap and your bag as I walk you to the door. May you too enjoy a fresh start with someone who truly appreciates you.

{for those who might not understand my humor: Yesterday I replaced my Canon Rebel XT with a Nikon D51000. A new camera, a fresh start, an exciting promise of terrific photographs ahead. Wish me luck!}

What the beautiful people are saying...

hha perfection-- an exercise in cleverness masterfully executed!!

This is hysterical and touching at the same time! I had to read it to my husband and he laughed heartily. It's funny how an inanimate object can become so real. Perfection! Good luck with your new love interest! I hear he takes dreamy photos.....Heather

I'm so glad it was understood, girls! My husband was pretty sure people would think something else. But I know you're all smarter than that ;)

Can I just say - LOVE my new camera!

I was so worried you were going to announce your divorce/separation at the end of this. Glad it isn't so!

A+ writing ;)

Not a chance, Amy. All is good in the Durbin house ;) Thanks for swinging by!

Oh Lord, i almost passed out laughing reading this.

I have been saying i need romance in my life. Well, i think you have satisfied my needs for now

xo Stephanie

You write very well :)

Something to say, gorgeous?

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